To forgive is to reach beyond the storms of the moment. Understanding the emotions and normal responses that follow a disaster or other traumatic event can help you cope with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. It is important to remember that resilience and recovery are the norm, not prolonged distress.
“She thought about what happened in the small of the night. She thought about what he — a relative she had adored — did to her for more than seven years. What he did in her childhood bedroom with its two large windows and pink, flowery sheets, as she lay there, feeling powerless. She thought about her parents, and felt that swell of red-hot anger as two questions kept nagging at her:
“How couldn’t they have known?”
“Why didn’t they protect me?”
Forgiveness
does not provide permission to repeat harmful patterns, or excuse past behavior. The act of forgiveness requires, above all else, empathy, and a willingness to move forward. I victimize myself by choosing not to forgive, and cut myself off from empathy and compassion. By staying in resentment, I further entrench myself in the idea that I need outside validation to rationalize what happened to me. Truly, my anger is hurting me more than it’s forcing her to change — for instilling shame has never been an effective motivator.
Choosing forgiveness means that I trust I can take care of myself. That I accept that bad things will happen to me that are completely out of my control and have no bearing on whether or not I deserve them. That people will always act within their own capabilities and that their behavior will always fall within a larger context. That forgiving is not admitting defeat, or taking a loss, or dismissing my experience. It truly is a gift. It is an opportunity to move through the hurt and into a new, perhaps wary, normal.
“‘In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face the pain. You simply have to hurt…’ The death or ending that forgiveness necessitates comes in many shapes and forms. We may need to bury our expectations or dreams. We may need to relinquish the power that comes with ‘being right’ or put to rest the idea that we can do what’s in our hearts and still retain the support or approval of others…So, forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act; it’s the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live.” — Brené Brown
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